I am at a strange point in my life. While I have always had a submissive streak in me, I spent years learning to overcome that side of me. My independence is hard won, I find I cannot let go of it. Or I am afraid to let go of it. When I was younger, I was submissive 24 hours a day. Not just in the bedroom.
I was raised by a dominant man, and his best friends were just as dominant, if not more so. I only knew good men, I was coddled, protected, loved. I have not known this in any relationship since I have left home. Submissiveness does not attract good men. Do not misunderstand, I am a strong woman, I have always preferred to defer to a man. I do know right from wrong, what I like and dislike. Therein lies the problem.
I am currently separated and will be getting divorced. I married a mild, mellow man this time. One who doesn't bother with me. I will be better off alone. We both deserve better than this. I envy those women that can let go and trust. I take failure too personal, and I need a strong man and a strong chemistry. But without trust, nothing will thrive or grow.
Friends with benefits will be my way of life I think. Perhaps that will put my fears at ease, and keep my emotions separated from the relationship.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
April 7, 2012
I have been working a lot of hours. I did not write anything yesterday. Of course, there was nothing to report as I didn't have a lot of free time.
Today, my Master and I used Skype video to talk and play. He had me start by telling me to take off my shirt, move a little away, turn around, come back. Then he had me take off my bra and repeat the same steps. He complimented me on my body, breasts, and hair. Next, he had me move close to the camera to see my belly button. He said I have a nice one, At this point I considered covering up, he was inspecting me quite thoroughly. I am aware I do have a decent body, but I am not fond of being inspected. It makes me nervous.
Next, he had me take off my pants, step a little away, turn around, (he complimented my panties), come back to my spot. Next, he stated the panties must go. Once again, step away, and the above steps. He then made me highly uncomfortable, and told me to turn around, bend over, and spread my cheeks for him. I did ask if this was necessary and he said yes. While the nudity did not bother me too badly, bending over and spreading did. I did do it and am thankful he did not make me stay that way long:)
Next, he had me put wooden clothespins on my nipples. I was only able to put one on my left nipple, and was not overly fond of the sensation. Eventually it numbed and wasn't too uncomfortable. The right one had issues with the clothespin, maybe I need to try a different one. Taking the pin off left my nipple feeling odd, it did stay hard for some time and was more sensitive, but I didn't find it erotic.
This was a new experience for me, I tend to hide my body, except for the occassional bikini. I was surprised to feel comfortable nude around him, perhaps it is because I know he enjoys nude beaches and being nude himself. He was free with his compliments and praise, putting to rest any insecurities and fears I may have had. He seemed thrilled I was comfortable being nude around him.
Next, he had me put in one ben wa ball, and a vibrator. He said to put it on low and push the vib in and out slowly. Do I feel the vib against the ball? I guess was my reply. Put the other ball in, he instructs. After I do, he tells me to reinsert the vib and turn it up. Much better, once again I slowly pushed the vib in and out. He asked if I was wet, and I said yes. Finally, he tells me I may come. I was not quite ready. When I finally came, I let him know I was finished. "You aren't a screamer" he states. NO, and I had already told him that. I will hold my breath before I scream!
We started talking about his boat, I must have been fidgeting, he asked if I would like to put my clothes back on. I said yes and did so immediately. Now I was able to relax and chat with him comfortably about his passion for his boat. For our first session, this went very well, he is a very sweet Master.Either that, or he is breaking me in slowly, for which I am thankful. I am thankful he is patient, kind, and going a pace I that I can accept and grow with.
Today, my Master and I used Skype video to talk and play. He had me start by telling me to take off my shirt, move a little away, turn around, come back. Then he had me take off my bra and repeat the same steps. He complimented me on my body, breasts, and hair. Next, he had me move close to the camera to see my belly button. He said I have a nice one, At this point I considered covering up, he was inspecting me quite thoroughly. I am aware I do have a decent body, but I am not fond of being inspected. It makes me nervous.
Next, he had me take off my pants, step a little away, turn around, (he complimented my panties), come back to my spot. Next, he stated the panties must go. Once again, step away, and the above steps. He then made me highly uncomfortable, and told me to turn around, bend over, and spread my cheeks for him. I did ask if this was necessary and he said yes. While the nudity did not bother me too badly, bending over and spreading did. I did do it and am thankful he did not make me stay that way long:)
Next, he had me put wooden clothespins on my nipples. I was only able to put one on my left nipple, and was not overly fond of the sensation. Eventually it numbed and wasn't too uncomfortable. The right one had issues with the clothespin, maybe I need to try a different one. Taking the pin off left my nipple feeling odd, it did stay hard for some time and was more sensitive, but I didn't find it erotic.
This was a new experience for me, I tend to hide my body, except for the occassional bikini. I was surprised to feel comfortable nude around him, perhaps it is because I know he enjoys nude beaches and being nude himself. He was free with his compliments and praise, putting to rest any insecurities and fears I may have had. He seemed thrilled I was comfortable being nude around him.
Next, he had me put in one ben wa ball, and a vibrator. He said to put it on low and push the vib in and out slowly. Do I feel the vib against the ball? I guess was my reply. Put the other ball in, he instructs. After I do, he tells me to reinsert the vib and turn it up. Much better, once again I slowly pushed the vib in and out. He asked if I was wet, and I said yes. Finally, he tells me I may come. I was not quite ready. When I finally came, I let him know I was finished. "You aren't a screamer" he states. NO, and I had already told him that. I will hold my breath before I scream!
We started talking about his boat, I must have been fidgeting, he asked if I would like to put my clothes back on. I said yes and did so immediately. Now I was able to relax and chat with him comfortably about his passion for his boat. For our first session, this went very well, he is a very sweet Master.Either that, or he is breaking me in slowly, for which I am thankful. I am thankful he is patient, kind, and going a pace I that I can accept and grow with.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
April 5, 2012
Quiet day today. I talked with my Master a bit, but I am working long hours right now, I don't have much time.
My task today was to insert both ben wa balls for one hour today. I did so at 5:33pm. An odd experience. I have no trouble keeping one in, but two? One keeps popping out! I do not get the dynamics here, if one stays, why not both? I have been doing kegels for about two years, yet I am having difficulties. It could be the weight of them, they are heavy little suckers!
The sensation was similar to a tampon, a very little tampon. I had the urge to squirm, not sexually. I finally sat down and attempted to push the one back in by squirming, grinding, and pushing my bottom down, with little success. It insisted in nesting right inside my entrance.
After the hour was up, I went to the bathroom to remove, one plops out, the other needed to be coaxed out! The sensation of them being in me lasted for quite some time, in fact, that sensation was more noticeable then when the ben wa balls were in. I felt the urge to make sure they had not procreated while in there! I must say after I did my kegel exercises tonight, the sensation they were in there came back! Aggravating!!!
My task today was to insert both ben wa balls for one hour today. I did so at 5:33pm. An odd experience. I have no trouble keeping one in, but two? One keeps popping out! I do not get the dynamics here, if one stays, why not both? I have been doing kegels for about two years, yet I am having difficulties. It could be the weight of them, they are heavy little suckers!
The sensation was similar to a tampon, a very little tampon. I had the urge to squirm, not sexually. I finally sat down and attempted to push the one back in by squirming, grinding, and pushing my bottom down, with little success. It insisted in nesting right inside my entrance.
After the hour was up, I went to the bathroom to remove, one plops out, the other needed to be coaxed out! The sensation of them being in me lasted for quite some time, in fact, that sensation was more noticeable then when the ben wa balls were in. I felt the urge to make sure they had not procreated while in there! I must say after I did my kegel exercises tonight, the sensation they were in there came back! Aggravating!!!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
April 4, 2012
I started my morning today by taking a picture for my Master in my black bra and panties, as I was ordered to wear today. I then sent him 2 pics, which never left my outbox.
At lunch, I was told to text him with what I was eating, which I did. It was a tv dinner..sweet and sour chicken, and dorito chips..fast and easy! When I got back to work, he sent me a new task for tomorrow after work. Earlier toda, with my full schedule, I am given a reprieve. No tasks to complete tonight:)
It was a good thing as I was having ice cream cake for my daughters' birthday, with her grandparents.
He has complimented me several times today, he seems surprised with my body. I do believe I told him I was slender, I try to stay in shape and watch my weight. I am happy He is pleased:)
I realized my pics never left my outbox and resent them, twice. I seem to be scatterbrained today, nothing is going right without effort.
I rather enjoyed today, Master spent a bit of time emailing me and talking to me. A pleasant way to get to know him and his expectations.
At lunch, I was told to text him with what I was eating, which I did. It was a tv dinner..sweet and sour chicken, and dorito chips..fast and easy! When I got back to work, he sent me a new task for tomorrow after work. Earlier toda, with my full schedule, I am given a reprieve. No tasks to complete tonight:)
It was a good thing as I was having ice cream cake for my daughters' birthday, with her grandparents.
He has complimented me several times today, he seems surprised with my body. I do believe I told him I was slender, I try to stay in shape and watch my weight. I am happy He is pleased:)
I realized my pics never left my outbox and resent them, twice. I seem to be scatterbrained today, nothing is going right without effort.
I rather enjoyed today, Master spent a bit of time emailing me and talking to me. A pleasant way to get to know him and his expectations.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
April 3, 2012
Today I was to wear a pastel bra and panty set. I am not a pastel girl, so no complete set..I chose multi colored thong with a thin green band, and a tan demi bra. The tan matched the colors in the thong.
Second order was to insert ben wa balls no later than two o clock today. I inserted one and replied back a few minutes after two. I am now in trouble as Master wanted a response prior to two o clock. He is running errands, I will be punished when he returns.
Ben wa ball was odd..stayed inside exactly 22 minutes, I got up and down one too many times and it felt like a bubble popping out. Strange sensation. Mostly reminded me of a tampon!
I took a bath a little after 8pm. I was to insert an ice cube for punishment and stand facing a corner, no moving until it melted. I inserted the ice cube, faced the corner and laughed. It was melting so fast it was running out! I thought, this won't take long and the cold won't be so bad.
My insides must have gotten good and cold, it stopped running out and went to a slower leak, and began to sting and burn. When I stopped dripping, I checked to see if it was all melted, and there was still a small piece that wouldn't melt! Since He did not tell me I couldn't, I put hot water in me to get rid of the cold, burning sensation. While that helped, I still have a small burning sensation, I think I have frostbite! Next time, I will follow orders to the letter!
I am properly sorry now Master. I will do better next time:) (I hope)!!!!! lol
Second order was to insert ben wa balls no later than two o clock today. I inserted one and replied back a few minutes after two. I am now in trouble as Master wanted a response prior to two o clock. He is running errands, I will be punished when he returns.
Ben wa ball was odd..stayed inside exactly 22 minutes, I got up and down one too many times and it felt like a bubble popping out. Strange sensation. Mostly reminded me of a tampon!
I took a bath a little after 8pm. I was to insert an ice cube for punishment and stand facing a corner, no moving until it melted. I inserted the ice cube, faced the corner and laughed. It was melting so fast it was running out! I thought, this won't take long and the cold won't be so bad.
My insides must have gotten good and cold, it stopped running out and went to a slower leak, and began to sting and burn. When I stopped dripping, I checked to see if it was all melted, and there was still a small piece that wouldn't melt! Since He did not tell me I couldn't, I put hot water in me to get rid of the cold, burning sensation. While that helped, I still have a small burning sensation, I think I have frostbite! Next time, I will follow orders to the letter!
I am properly sorry now Master. I will do better next time:) (I hope)!!!!! lol
Monday, April 2, 2012
April 2, 2012
Today my Master had me write a note....I have made Master very happy today...fold it and put it in my left bra over my heart. I was to wear all day until I got home. It felt weird to write the note, but once it was in place, I never minded it. I forgot it was there and did not remove it until almost bedtime. I think, perhaps I enjoyed it.
I finished installing webcam today, it did not go well. Thank heavens for tech support sites. I need to make a list of underclothes, lingerie. clothing. It seems Master shall be chosing various pieces of clothing for me to wear. This is also odd for me as I tend to be the one dressing everyone around me. I kind of like it. At least I won't be staring at my bras and panties tomorrow trying to choose what to wear:)
I finished installing webcam today, it did not go well. Thank heavens for tech support sites. I need to make a list of underclothes, lingerie. clothing. It seems Master shall be chosing various pieces of clothing for me to wear. This is also odd for me as I tend to be the one dressing everyone around me. I kind of like it. At least I won't be staring at my bras and panties tomorrow trying to choose what to wear:)
Sunday, April 1, 2012
April 1, 2012
This is day one of my journal. I have been asked by my Master to start keeping this journal for his review. I am to keep of things I would like to try, what makes me feel good, and what I do not like. I am to document feelings and emotions as we go, this I do not do very well. I expect I will learn much about myself as we go. I have one task left to fulfill terms of acceptance to be trained by Him, a picture of myself in a submissive pose, nude, to be sent to Him.
I expect I will become more fluent as I learn to put my thoughts and feelings into words, instead of locking everything away inside of me. I hope this becomes easier.
I will await feedback from Him before continuing any further.
I expect I will become more fluent as I learn to put my thoughts and feelings into words, instead of locking everything away inside of me. I hope this becomes easier.
I will await feedback from Him before continuing any further.
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