I am at a strange point in my life. While I have always had a submissive streak in me, I spent years learning to overcome that side of me. My independence is hard won, I find I cannot let go of it. Or I am afraid to let go of it. When I was younger, I was submissive 24 hours a day. Not just in the bedroom.
I was raised by a dominant man, and his best friends were just as dominant, if not more so. I only knew good men, I was coddled, protected, loved. I have not known this in any relationship since I have left home. Submissiveness does not attract good men. Do not misunderstand, I am a strong woman, I have always preferred to defer to a man. I do know right from wrong, what I like and dislike. Therein lies the problem.
I am currently separated and will be getting divorced. I married a mild, mellow man this time. One who doesn't bother with me. I will be better off alone. We both deserve better than this. I envy those women that can let go and trust. I take failure too personal, and I need a strong man and a strong chemistry. But without trust, nothing will thrive or grow.
Friends with benefits will be my way of life I think. Perhaps that will put my fears at ease, and keep my emotions separated from the relationship.
